I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
