Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
