I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
