I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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