Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
