All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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