You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
