Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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