i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
