I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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