Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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