how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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