Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
