you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
