mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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