if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
