i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
