Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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