my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
