I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
