I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
