dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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