whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She's the barista slut.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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