So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I would ride that face into the sunset
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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