Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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