Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
