i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
