walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
