Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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