I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
