Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
