Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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