stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize