You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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