I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Randomize
