what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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