oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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