Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she told me i tasted like america
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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