grandma shit on top of the toilet
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
