they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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