I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
