I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
