At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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