he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
