Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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