He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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