The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
