When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
