her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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