my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
